Privilege

There might have been something that struck a certain sound this weekend for what I wanted to listen to, but recently I can't stop listening to the Fuck Buttons right now. This weekend's activities just made me sick and tired of listening to any sort of structured form of music, and somehow these guys just fit into what I wanted to hear. I was just pissed on Saturday night. Heydon was wasted when I went to go visit her. Andrew and the others kept taking off places I wanted to meet them on Pearl Street. I didn't even feel like drinking. I ended up going home, turning on my Xmas lights, and listened to some music and started reading myself to sleep with Chris Hedges' War Is A Force That Gives Us Meaning.

It was also a frustrating feeling at frisbee yesterday that I just wasn't playing to capacity, probably because I was dehydrated. My body just felt like it wasn't pushing all that I wanted, and we ended up losing the game to get any further into the tournament. We didn't win the beer bracket either. Afterwards, I went with Cook to Old C's, but he ended up leaving early before I could go and eat my food. I spent the evening working on my presentation for Fight The Power, went to Sam's trombone recital, and then practiced a little and then just went home.

Man, life feels dull when I talk about it like that. And somehow this could be golden material for someone who doesn't have time to spend otherwise. I've smoked for the past two days, maybe as a way to enjoy myself, maybe as a way to get some sleep, or maybe as a way as an escape. I feel danger in that sort of thinking, that something as that could be such a turn away from what I really should be doing in my life. I do feel the need for escape, but I just don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable parting myself from the comfort I've been raised into my entire life. I live in Boulder and am living on the funds of the tribe with the forever knowing that I NEED to give something back to my own blood inheritance with all the school I have been doing, and I haven't even been able to send in a progress report to them yet. School these days has just been a matter of possessing myself to the purpose of these classes, yet everything I study seems so distant. Running away always seems to be so shunned within our society. Do we ever truly understand the minds of these people that run? Because I definietly feel like sometimes I can't be understood.

-c