In love with the girl who all the boys are in love with

Today was the first day of school, and many things made it a great start to the academic year:

*All the Jesus crew from Christian student groups were giving free Jesus water and Jesus drinks out all day.
*Classes, for the most part, will be interesting and with some good professors.
*I have an hour in the midst of classes for Cafe Roma breakage.
*I saw a LOT of people I had not seen in a while, and we all had lots to talk about and plan for this semester.
*Two of my Ethnic Studies professors nominated and granted me a $450 award for academic showing.
*Afterschool barbecue for the Center for Multicultural Affairs= dank barbecue Boca burgers and cole slaw.
*Overall heightened sense of hope and energy in the friends I saw today.

I wonder how long it will take before the energy runs out.

Last night is also a worthy mention for the beginnings of this school year. The Flaming Lips were AWESOME, just sheerly one of those kinds of bands that can get such a good vibe running through the entire crowd, and Chey, myself, Daniel, and our friend Eric had a blast. From the time they came out of a virtual flashing vag in the electronic backdrop towards the numerable special effects and confetti cannons firing throughout the concert, all the while rocking out with some great music, it was one of the most outstanding stage presences I have ever witnessed. Also to mention was openers Explosions in the Sky, who I can now only imagine probably had a fucking incredible set back at the Odgen in the July '07 show I missed...

What are some other recent obsessive thoughts? I keep daydreaming about playing indie music, becoming famous, and having that heightened sense of importance over the crowd that pays good amounts of money and time just to share the time with the band and the musicians onstage. It feels to me that living that dream would define some sense of worth to my life, and probably the biggest part of the dream would be to have that effect of recognition with all my friends...close friends, distant Facebook friends...for them to say "holy shit, he is doing *so and so* now for a living?" I mean, to some err to egoism, how fucking great would it be to make yourself known for the music you create and have people invest in your vision? That would be incredible.

I have thought a lot about Laura again. We had some fun last weekend hanging out, playing disc golf for the first time together (her first time as well), and getting tea and hanging out on the lawn on a sunny day in Boulder's Central Park. We talked and talked, she braided my hair, and I just messed around with hers some and stared at her skin while I listened the entire time. (To some rethinking right now, my professor in my Anthropology class today was making some connections between the primordial connection between humans and apes, one of the overriding themes for our study this semester. In one instance, he mentioned that all newborn children absolutely need human affection in order to survive. One baby could be bought all the best toys and cribs and everything in the world, but if the mother and/or father fails to have the physical connection with the baby, the baby runs the risk of becoming seriously underdeveloped and susceptible to numerous diseases and mental conditions). To think about that desire for human affection, that maybe is what drew me towards longing for Laura right now. It has been years since freshman year and any intimacy with any other girl, and though I reroute the frustrating energy through exercise and music and other de-stressing forms of release, I feel my body longing more and more just for somebody to hold me close for a night. I just felt it more later on at Roane's housewarming party just by sitting close to her and casually putting my head on her shoulder. I just do not know if it is her that I really want, or if I am still looking for somebody else, but I am just still hesitant to do anything.

I guess that is why I want to become a musician SO badly. In the weirdest sort of ways, I just want to feel, to some point, enlightened and so respected by people. We talk about going to so-and-so's concert and we associate so personally a connection to an artist's music with our love and our admiration for the musician's creations. I just want to be one of those people. I want to have me understood through such a more powerful medium then just talking to people. I want people to lose themselves in my music. I want to feel (in the kindest way) too good for most girls out there because of the importance of being a musician. I almost feel like I want to call out to Laura through my music. I want to call out to any girl I have ever had feelings for through my music.

That is the end for this muse. I will have more music to show as this semester goes.

-c