count your breaths

I know stress consumes my mind when I find myself standing in front of the bathroom mirror, picking, clawing, and scarring my skin while I fret about all sorts of thoughts, fears, and things I can not have absolute control over in my life.

I get into this darkness when K begin to question everything that I have going in my life. Does my girlfriend really love me, or was what she said just a mistake? What should I make out of the fact that she says she does not "want to be that serious" right now? Is she more afraid then I am of those kinds of emotions? Why do I have an ongoing jealousy of the fact that she is the only girl I have slept with in my life while she has had other former lovers in her life? Can I ever bring a sense of release of caring for that matter? What kinds of role models do I have for romance when I see the ways that my own brother treats his girlfriend for the past six years? Would I ever find myself happy in that kind of position? Do I see my own father as truly happy with the way that my mother treats him in their relationship? Will I ever have a chemistry with my roommates for the musical ambitions that we have discussed together? And so forth.

Out of all these worries, the only thing I can rely on right now is this thought:

What can you do to improve your own morale on your own life?

Furthermore, what are the steps necessary to bring you to that level? What are the things that you can not have control over, but can wish to improve?

I have to remember that my happiness is first and foremost something thy I have to be responsible for maintaining. The ones that I love in my life can bring me the attention and caring that make life worth living, but I have to keep remembering that I have to create life how I want it to be. I am responsible for my own happiness and responsible for my own choices that I make. Always.

I want so bad to have the expectation of reaction from other people. I want my girlfriend to tell me that she loves me without fear of anything else. I want my brothers and sister to tell me that they are completely amazed at the music and artwork that I create. I want people to let me know they care and that I have some definitive purpose going on in my life right now. Sadly, I feel like expecting these kinds of reactions are impossible if I let myself hold these kinds of expectations as defining success in my life. If Lauren will not feel comfortable saying that she loves me, then I will feel at loss and unhappy that I am not getting that kind of reaction to the situation. If my family does not openly gloat over my art, then I will doubt my own abilities and never be happy with anything I create.

Going through all these parts of my life is strengthening my resolve to just be myself more and more every day. For a long time in the post-Vegas afterglow tonight, I felt utterly unhappy and miserable in front of our hotel bathroom mirror, straddling the counter, picking my body, and pondering all these existential qualms invading my head. It is not until now that I write these thoughts here and am somewhat feeling a gradual peace of mind coming. A peace of mind that can slowly try to remember something as simple as counting my breaths at any given moment to return myself to this idea of self-guidance and commitment to my philosophies. Nobody else can ever take that from me. I promise you Cody.