The Snow Stifles The Echoes Of The City

How would it be like to tell somebody that they are not worth your time? How sensible or insensible or reasonable or unreasonable would it be to call out people when they act like total flakes to your commitments? How much of a hardass can one push the limits of "judging" a relationship before one can just not give a shit anymore? Worst out of all of this, how easily influenced can one become once there is some sense of return after the person has given up the relationship?

I read online that the more "unattainable" you make yourselves to girls, the more they seek the "opportunity" that they will lose with you. How does that make sense? If they want something, fucking do it already!

I am growing so tired of a lack of return from so many girls right now. Dana, Alyssa, Psyche, anyone and everyone, I am tired of it all.

Maybe in this world we live in, it is only when we quite literally save the life of another do we ever truly have a friend or a stable relationship with another. Or shit, I do not know. I am just having trouble holding relationships again. Or at least feeling secure with a relationship with anyone at the moment.

I am in the radio station again, and the more and more I am thinking about it now, I have to remind myself it is the music that pulls me down to this place more then anything. It may sound like a completely dick and egotistical move, but I am using some of my observations of some of the people to make myself a better person inside my life. Friends are always talking down about themselves and the stresses of their lives. Others are finding sheer enjoyment in some of the smallest, most absurd accomplishments. I can do no more then be myself, I guess. However, that just does not make sense, because without people, I am nobody, and if I am nobody, then I am just living in a world of my own. 

Finals have been one of the more enjoyable atmospheres of school I have been through all year. I have spent nights laying back, have been getting sufficient rest but not sleeping in too late, and have found a good variety of areas where my mind has been able to think and concentrate. I just started drinking coffee again today, and upon first sip of the drip from Roma, it was a taste that has "grown" into my tastebuds. Once again, I am put into another moment of compromise: coffee in the mornings, tea/booze at night? Whatever I feel works, I suppose.

I have dug into a ton of ambient electronica and minimal techno lately. I have grown further and further into the Kompakt label ever since I started listening to The Field more and more and more. The music does astounding wonders to my train of thought when I am studying. Not only that, but I think I need some more harmonically characterless music these days just because I am tired of thinking things through these days, and would rather feel a more steady pulse and direction to my senses at the moment.

The melted snow on the stairs in the UMC today caused me to fall on my tailbone. The wind was knocked out of me, and for a moment there was a hard, dull pain that reduced some capacity to move around. I got better after a moment, though I can still feel some dullness, but shit, that did not do anything to help my day or thoughts right now. Nor does the fact that my water bottle leaked all over my books and laptop in my bag again.

Oh well. Somehow I am still feeling positive with finals tomorrow and on Wednesday. I am a little stressed about the piano exam, but even that should not be too much of a problem if I have the right spirit and attitude. That is where my love is, right?

-c