In Matters of Love Lost/We've No Recourse At All

I am lost. I am at that point right now where there is a sense of just giving up, in just that some of the parts I wanted to come home to just are not there. I want people to listen to my thoughts, I crave attention for my thoughts, but I do not want to write them out on here for people that have only the nerve to give me a call, completely wasted, and, by and far, knowing that I had already left, and ask if I wanted to come hang out. I do not even care that they are "thinking" about me in that moment...what the fuck about all the other moments when I am trying to connect with them and they just have a sheer failure to hold communication?

I am so damn lost. The girl I dreamt about through this lengthy week and who also carried a huge chunk of the positive energy to my being this break, is someone I can not pursue. I half-handedly, stumble-edly, and botched-ly confessed some of my inner feelings to her tonight, and was met with a response that she was "somewhat dating" another person.

I am obsession over these Death Cab lyrics:

Talking how the group had begun to splinter
and I could taste your lipstick on the filter...

Lushing with the hallway congregation,
my best judgement signed its resignation.

I rushed this. We moved too fast, and tripped into the guestroom

But then my mind gets so conflicted with another song by the Shins as my title states. It just has not really felt too much like a "loss" from this rejection. We did not kiss, we shared some good hugs, and tonight was probably the most awkward moment we have had together. If, in some ways, this "clearance" that Alyssa has now clarified makes me understand and accept this mentally frustration conflict whether or not I was romantically inclined or not. Even though my body still yearns for trying to understand and find the "mate" in my life, and with that, makes me feel a loss from a fact that she will not be that person in my life, it motivates me just to be that much more stronger and secure with what I want with my own life, and I think I am okay with that.

I had a bit of a "hunch," persay, towards something just not working out with Alyssa, that no matter how much I was enamored for her to spend so much time with me these past occasions, I am not sure what I truly wanted.

How can that explain so many other things about how I felt about her this entire break, then, to even the point where I felt so much energy, so much of a "good feeling," that came around when I would draw her picture on paper so many times?

I think we are in a moment where any one of us is so godfuckindamn scared to fall in love. It feels happy to talk about love. It is nice to talk about love in stories and to consider love such a "success" towards a person's life, or as a culmination of good events inside a plot structured sheerly around just quite possibly one moment of the whole situation.

I do not even know where Cookie and Catie lie in their relationship, and maybe even thinking to a point where they are unsure how much a relationship could potentially hold back what they want to do with their lives. THEIR lives, not their lives with each other. They have been together so long that I feel they need some love and support from each other to help them go somewhere, figuratively or literally.

How important is that to me right now? When can I rediscover some much needed love for myself, or, more importantly, love for people that really truly need this desire for attention?

Who can I ever truly have to talk to about this?

-c