life is so beautiful, life is so goddamn bittersweet

Let's talk today. Today was a nicely filled day of school and other activities. Speech class was a lot of notes. I checked my tires on my bike and then went to Cafe Roma to work on some math homework, as well as talk with Alex yet again. I warmed up at the music school for a while, and then I stopped by home for a bagel with hummus and cream cheese for a snack. Jazz rehearsal was a lot of fun today. At one point, Dr. Davis went into a bit of a short, depressing story about a guy who is the most humble man on earth and who is a fantastic drummer, but he was a bit heavy-set, yet that does not mean anything to kind of guy he is. He said that this guy one day showed up at home to see his son standing blankly in the living room of the house, and then he noticed that his wife was dead on the floor. Dr. Davis then went into somewhat of a thoughtful moment about how bad things happen to good people, and yet even after this had happened, this guy still is one of the sweetest people on earth to everyone that he still talks to. And that goes to show that life is too short to not enjoy any moment these days.

I went to the gym afterwards and had a killer workout in this new week of Core Performance. While doing all the standard stuff, there was a lot more beefed up strength workouts and a lot more sprinting involved in the elasticity training. Through all the work and sweat, I felt great afterwards. I went home to all the siblings and Andrew and Daniel in the living room, and after a shake, a shower, and some spaghetti (as well as watching videos of people doing salvia), the sibs and I went to Glacial Freeze for some ice cream. I had a delicious double-scoop of rice krispie treat flavored and key lime pie flavored ice cream.

Back at home, I cleaned my room some until Laura came over to say good-bye before she leaves tomorrow morning. We chilled in my room and talked about various things while burning incense and listening to Atlas Sound. Everything felt nice. Having her with me in the same room just felt nice. She said she just does not feel like she is going back to school tomorrow at all. She said she just sees herself so much here in Boulder these days that it will be so chaotic to go back up to Carleton in Minnesota. We talked and talked and talked...future thoughts, thoughts about my dropping of my music major, thoughts of Buddhism, thoughts of meditation...I think the most important feeling I can remember from the entire time was just an overall sense of feeling calm. Like I did not have to do anything more then just have here in my room and talk and listen to music.

I know some of the demons inside of me were still burgeoning into my mind. I would shut my eyes and try to find the most subtle ways to express any sort of affection on to her. I started running memories of Anneli and I back in high school lying next to each other in my bed and swooning with physical longing and attachment. I started to curse myself in my mind for not having the moving action to just go onto Laura like that.

But you know what? Everything was ok. Everything was and still is what it is supposed to be. There was no swooning romantic moment. There was no movie-script ending of affection and an overall aura of "all is well" because the man and woman are doing what the audience wants to see. I began to realize so many more important things in that moment. The feeling of calm was still there as we talked about the importance of finding one's self at this stage in life. I began to understand more and more about what I need to be doing with my life. I began to see that I possibly am the luckiest guy on this planet right now. People are losing homes to fires in California right now. Old people are trembling as age takes toll on them. I have so much opportunity in my life right now.

As I walked her outside, there were no tears to be shed saying good-bye. It still was hard, though, trying to find the most fitting way to have that moment together. We just said until "next November," and then I finally had some of what I had wanted this entire time tonight...we hugged for a very long time. We embraced and I told her that I finally realized the most important part of her in my life right now: that she inspired, and still inspires, my life. And that was more then enough of what I could ask from her right now. After one more hug to "remember the moment," I walked back inside.

Cook, upon meeting Laura for the first time tonight, said "That's a cute girl there Cody." I bittersweetly said back "yeah, we definitely share so much in common" as I walked back to this room right now.

And that is how this night has been.

-c