certain feelings

I am up much earlier then anticipated this morning. It seems that sometimes my body has this drive to push me to points where I can not even have an idealized amount of sleep these days. It is probably the result of just my overactive mind, I guess, but so long as I keep have having these kinds of moments, I might as well put the time to good use.

This morning, I woke up out of a fit of a dream. Apparently, I was thinking back to Albuquerque and visiting with the family. There was one beginning part of the dream I do not remember as much as the second, but I believe I was having breakfast with Danny or something. The latter half, however, became a situation where I became really pissed off at my brother Cook. I remember being awake in the guest room, looking at my phone, and not realizing that Cook had gone out to breakfast with some other friends of mine, as well as our cousin Rae for some reason, who my brain all of a sudden drew towards living in Broomfield, and that everyone was going out for this meal before driving back to Colorado. Whatever the case, I woke up with a somewhat angry stomach, and I did the whole psychological breakdown of what everything in that subconscious moment could have meant to my life (does everyone else do something like this?) Maybe I think about that sensation back at home, where some nights I am up so late and out so late with friends, yet part of me just wants to hang with my family and be there for those early morning breakfasts. Overall, it's a good thing, I suppose. Choosing family versus those other friend needs might be a much more valuable and personal need to me these days.

So earlier on, I told Andrew that I foresaw a lot of time by myself this semester. What can be once said is a lot harder to mentally persevere, I think, just because I am such a social being. I seriously think a disproportionately high percentage of time I have spent with friends is because I've always been the one reaching out to other people in the first place. Making those first phone call connections. Being the friendly guy out on the first days of class. What it is about me that people might make me seem so different? I guess it might be the brown skin and the long hair. Not really just "looking" like every guy out there on campus. I suppose that racial consciousness is something I will have to confront in my life more often, possibly.

Or maybe all this solidarity is because of how seriously I want for my creative visions in my life. No more time for video games, no more money wasted on things I really don't need, no more excuses for not having assignments ready well in advance. And it seems that I have rekindled a self-conscious examination about how much "shit" I have in my life. I spent the next moments after waking up this morning just thinking about all the money I spent on microphones, a Mackie mixer, and that Behringer PA last semester. And I still think about that piano sitting in the living room all the time. This all is just the underlaid burden of having too much money to know what to do with, probably. If I could sell it all back and start saving more, I probably would just keep a piano, some speakers, and some of the musical gear, and I would go try to travel more often. Ah, youth.

Yesterday was a good day. In the morning, there was a nice winter sun, and by the afternoon, there was over an inch of snow on the ground. I saw the whole deal go down from the windows of the printmaking studio. Before all that, I woke up, finished some homework for my contemporary jazz theory class, biked up, got a coffee and a scone, and had a nice musical reflection for that class. Gunther is a really chill guy, and I feel like I should have learned more from him from all the years I have spent in this university. I went and bought more art "shit" at Meiningers on the Hill before studio class, and professor Yazzie did a nice demo for inking relief prints. There was a nice meditative moment in that class, where I had nothing else to focus on but my carving tools, my plate, and the only thing in my mind was the music I was listening to. I trudged in the snow afterwards to go practice trombone, and I tried Gunther's practice idea of running through modes. Music is far, far more sophisticated and fascinating to me then I have ever experience before, and I love it. I went to the UMC to print some articles, and then I went to the rec center and had a powerful workout. What once was thoughts of weakness and "taking it easy" turned into a ferocious run on the indoor track, with me just pushing each lap harder and belting out in my mind the words to all the songs I rocked out to the entire time. Back at home, I made a quick trip to Sunflower, and I made some spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. All that work generated a ferocious appetite. I read and went to bed after that.

Ah. I have still so much to sort out in my life right now. I want to be like my friend Laith in the terms of belongings that man carries around with him. Maybe this is the makings for me to become even more of a minimalist then I have ever tried before. Maybe I'll never stop trying to sort my life out so much.

-Cody