Music Saved My Life.

The weather has been fucking around with my head. I was wandering around in 60 plus sunshine on Thursday afternoon, and by last night, there was a thick sheet of snow setting into the streets as we were stumbling home from the bars.

Kelly has been fucking around in my head. I somehow feel desperate for romance in my life right now, and it seems that I am trying to make Kelly feel like she is a girl that I see as incredibly attractive, rather then still try to see what she really is. She is a flake at communication like most girls these days. She talks about her ex-boyfriend all the time, she keeps mentioning all these plans she is making with this "other guy" she is "dating" at the moment, and the moments of me reconsidering these haunting revelations is trumping the moments where we are actually connecting, which is really just short conversations about class material.

There has been a lot of "material loss" to me that I feel inner-ly perturbed, yet somehow indifferent, since the beginning of the school year. I was stoned and drunk as the midnight hour ushered in the new year, and somehow that was just another moment to me. I have lost some money in some places, have spent a lot of money in the past two weekends from going out to bars, going to comedy shows, getting food, and always putting an extra buck (figuratively speaking) to tip every employee that has taken care of me. I am on a daily routine of coffee and pastries, which is about three to five bucks every morning, and then there are always so many indiscriminate purchases throughout the day...an orange juice when I feel it, a candy bar, sometimes even a book that waivers my attention.

Last night, when Andrew came in to my practice room in the basement of the music school, I explained to him how that moment of me playing trombone and enjoying my own time meant more to me then trying to go out with other people. But sometimes that is not true, and I think I am still trying to break through caring about those disappointments so much.

I wrote in my Moleskin a bunch of "self-motivational" messages that I could see writing into song choruses sometime, maybe in a way that Animal Collective does so much with their music. I felt an incomparable review in The Onion's A.V. Club that explained how M.P.P. has an underlying thematic of "electronic ingenuity mixed with a central message of the importance of humanity". Or something like that. Whatever the case, I felt that was spot on. I do not know why I was so judgemental of that album, like I was trying to defend myself with the whole "image" of "everyone" that has been looking forward to this album and is now listening to it on repeat, as I am now one of those that I have judged. I listened to it on a hike yesterday afternoon up Mount Sanitas, and every song waivered a new emotion and a new understanding of the music as I cross-combined these observations with the surroundings of grassland and moist red-clay that covered the ground.

Yesterday I purchased a loop pedal at Robb's. That seems to be a regular occasion: I get inspired to experiment with sounds, hardware, guitars, basses, keyboards, percussion instruments, and immerse myself with all these items that have the POTENTIAL FOR MUSIC, and I end up making some sort of purchase every time. Even if it is an egg shaker, I will think in my mind that that shaker will have a different sound then the other one I have, and that somehow I can find some use for that sound.

Curtis arrived with a new "batch" Friday afternoon, and Andrew, his friend Jason, and Jason's GF (I think?) and myself smoked together. However, we were not used to some of this stuff, and a combined higher-caliber and an overdose resulted in a fairly scary night for me. It was not even a paranoia of authority that was scaring me rather then just a paranoia for my life. Catatonic. Not a good feeling. I am not sure how much was with my head and how much was "for real," but it got to points where it felt hard to breathe. Airways were closing up, and I was fighting for memory and for another chance. I almost walked over to meet Kelly at the Sundowner, but walking outside, I did not feel comfortable at all, and quickly returned back into my bed, and I tried finding solace with my iPod. A split decision later led to setting the microphone and laptop together again, and though I did nothing more then play some rhythms and experiment with sounds on Garageband, it was ringing into my head that music was saving my life...

The challenge now lies how much I can either waiver this experience as just an episode, but I know now THAT feeling of the impending end, and although I live without religion by society's ideals, I can base a lifetime from here on out through the only legitimate experience that I now know of. It is of highest importance of creating legacies in any realm of humanity. There WILL be a moment where all knowledge will erode as our brains age, and this legacy is the only thing we can ever have to prove ourselves to people.

Everyone loves somebody else that makes him or herself absolutely unattainable to society. Supermodels, musical artists, our new president...they all absolutely have, at the very least, an inherent love of being nothing but themselves, and because of that, "the people" will either be inspired to "be themselves" as well, or they will waste their entire lives trying to "be" someone they should not. I will always try to love myself so that I can love and inspire others.

-c