Indecisions

Today had some bad moments of indecision. I get into these self-depreciating moments where somehow, I feel that I am not doing better with the things that I love, and the things that I should love are all these things I have spent so much money on in th epast couple of weeks. I shelled out a lot of money for an upright piano, and recently I have spent so much money with golf on clubs, greens fees, and other accessories, and some parts of me are considering whether or not I am wasting all my money mindlessly, and that I should be saving this money for something else down the future. Others are spending all their money on traveling around the world, and that is something I have not even done yet, yet I do have the money for the expense of that, problem being is that I just do not know what the fuck to do with myself. It almost feels as if going to the golfing range for those hours this summer has been my holding hope of sanity and stability towards some goal that I have set myself, and I do not even know really what that goal is, other then some super-distant dreams that almost seem unachievable. I guess I am talking about playing in professional level tournaments for golf, or, at the very least, something like the U.S. Amateur, but listening to the stories of all these young-guns and how they have had their game with them for almost their entire lives makes me wonder if I ever even have a chance. Maybe I am just discouraged because I feel nobody really encourages me to just keep going (other then maybe myself). But if I have to tell myself that, then who am I really doing all this work for? I dream of winning golf tournaments and dedicating those achievements to my family, but again, those sorts of thoughts just do not seem even logical to me right now.

Summing up the story: I just want to do too fucking much. I want to go out and be a scratch golfer by the end of summer, and hopefully I can keep this golfing-wave riding for years to come and be a nationally renown competitor in the sport. I want to be a great trombone player and keep playing my best in all the ensembles I play. I want to get my hands dirty and live and love the labor of the people who make this world possible: the agriculturists, the maintenance workers, the ones who get trampled upon while the rest of the world bypasses them every day. I want to learn more with technology, not just "know" how to use things, but how actually everything works. I do want to finish my degrees with college, but I want to keep the dreams alive with all the golf and music that I want in my life, and though I fantasize taking a year off and working on a golf course all year and taking free time to practice, I want to keep telling myself that somehow this degree is really fucking important to not only me, but the tribe as well. I want an incredible girlfriend who can relate on so many levels and has the same incredible passions that I feel motivate my life, and I want that person so that I can end the despairing feelings of loneliness I get at night when I am without the physical intimacy that my body achingly yearns for at this moment in my life. However, I just want love without fear, love that I just will KNOW is true, as I can not have anything else any longer until I know I have found that girl in my life. I want to pay back the tribe with so much more then what they have already given me. I just want to do something GREAT before I die.

Ok, deep shit put aside, today was pretty good. I woke up restless and itchy at 6 am, and after pondering if I was going to be able to fall back asleep again, I could not do so, so I took a shower and went to Moe's Broadway Bagel for breakfast. $6.50 was kinda pricy for an orange juice and an egg and cheese on a cheddar tomato bagel, but the guy hooked me up with a free bag of day-old bagels. I was at Flatirons GC early this morning for practice and nine holes. I shot bogey golf, but at least it was a pretty beautiful morning out on the course. I think I played too fast, though, for being by myself. I ran errands all day, getting tribal scholarship applications completed, and after going to Target, I met Taylor at Paradise Bakery for lunch. It was pretty nice catching up with him since the end of the school year. I spent a while reading golf magazines at the Boulder Bookstore, unknowing that a thunderstorm came over while I was inside, and after biking home through some rain, I dawdled online for a while. I spent the evening going to Golf Galaxy to get my irons re-gripped (again), and while I was there, I almost went into a complete moment of spending more money then I should, but I ended up just dropping off the clubs and getting two new Cleveland wedges. Figured it would be better to do that then to regrip the worn-out wedges I have right now.

Oy. Mom's advice makes the best absolute sense to me right now: "if there is nothing you can do about it, go to bed." Nothing else sounds so good and so much more sense.

-c