I still question if that sense of weakness is still something with my diet these days. Mom pushes me so hard sometimes to return to eating more animal proteins, but I just can not do it. I am not selling into trends with begin vegetarian (or these days, vegan), but it is a matter of understanding the stories I have read out of some other sources and of written experiences about the altogether emotional "blindness" one has to cast upon himself to be able to kill 75,000 chickens a day in order to make amends for his family, a matter of always questioning why any meat is always "there" at the grocery store and the eerie mystery of how that "product" was made, and, probably the most important, the matter that people are surviving with these meatless dietary choices.
I look into myself and try to recognize the amount of animals I have consumed within the first roughly twenty years of my life, and I realize the attachment that I am possibly trying to free myself from those years. I think of random times, such as this one time where I downed a McDonalds Big Mac with Aunt Lily in the kitchen, just to show that I was capable of being "grown" and eating that burger to myself. I somehow can not even imagine a burger capable as a meal anymore. I have become extremely super-selective into what I put into my body these days.
I realize now my "youth" and can only imagine now that by pushing myself, by being STRONG, I can transform this time of my life into the "minority" of my lifetime, as opposed to the overwhelming "majority" that it stands right now. It takes a huge amount of perseverance, and definitely an overwhelming amount of doubt at times, but the hope of "what is right?" and the hope of myself being myself and understanding my choices can push my mind over the matter of the situation. I will be strong if I choose to be strong.
Ooo, I did not write yesterday. Guess I was super worn out. I felt lost in my Race/Gender/Science class and somewhat frustrated. But that was my fault for not doing the assigned reading for the day. I got some tea at Roma and went to get ready for my show for the afternoon. I discovered a new gem in the Alfred Packer Grill with my diet these days...for just over five bucks, I can get a huge mix of cilantro rice (without butter), black beans, grilled veggies, corn salsa, some romaine lettuce, and a giant dose of guacamole. I chowed down while spinning the tunes. At one point, I had a self-righteous moment of happiness when I played "Polar Opposites" by Modest Mouse and this girl called in and told me I was "rocking her shit" while she was driving around town that day. I had jazz rehearsal in the afternoon, went to Grady's recital afterwards, and then just went home, tired again. However, I booked my flight to Austin and got in touch with a girl for a super discounted SXSW wristband through Craigslist!
I slept in again today. Somehow I am still tired, even with some good hours of sleep. I ate cereal and watched this guy paint watercolors on PBS. I took the HOP to school and dropped off my long overdue DVDs at Norlin, thus getting a 800-plus dollar fine into twenty bucks. Still kinda blows. I did some CD reviews on time for Katherine at the station, and then the lone class for the day was talking in Afro. Am. Society about the influence of Malcolm X and MLK in the birth of the Civil Rights Era. I got another Alfred Veg Salad and hung in the station for a bit before going to get some tea and eat my lunch at Roma. I had a fun conversation with Alex and her friend Claire before chatting with Nat and his friend Juan for a sec. Back on campus, I went online and was able to secure my wristband for SXSW with Angella! I am SO pumped for this. I think it will be the driving force for this next challenging stretch of school coming up ahead. I continued the excitement by going to the international coffee hour at the UMC, and I met some more people who seem to be really legit people. I worked out afterwards, which involved some badminton with Logan and his friends, and after we got the boot from the court, I went and ran some more laps. By time I left, it was snowing outside. I had some gross cranberry flavored protein and some soup and a veg dog for dinner. Andrew's macking his newfound girl interest in his room right now, but I dunno. Although for obvious reasons, it just seems kinda weird Andrew keeps the door shut whenever the two of them just go straight to his room whenever she is over.
Sleep sounds good. Tomorrow should be a productive day.
-c
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