I do not think that within lifetimes do some people have moments where their lives are put into peril. Or at least a feeling of peril, though often it is a matter of the mind taking over. Such basic functions as swallowing and breathing are incredible functions to our bodies that we take for granted. With every bite we take, sometimes we do not even realize that over a system of fifty individual muscles are able to synchronize a movement altogether for every single time we can take a bite of food and pass it down into our digestion systems.
I have not been able to have that ease for the past week now, and at this moment right now, I am doing everything that I can to try to, at the very least, have that ease again. It has taught me from the amount of drinking and smoking that I have subjected myself to since the beginning of the year why these things are so important to me, and throughout this entire bout, even to the points where I have grown incredibly depressed and paranoid for my health, I find that this reaction, this "self-discovery" of how my body is designed to handle these situations, is a great blessing to my health, even if I am still being affected by these states of mind and body. Moments as these are putting some incredible lessons to me right now:
*Again, I find that sheer nourishment of food and healthy liquids is what makes me feel the best these days, and that having that ability is what is the most important to me right now.
*In the moments where the airways felt almost completely shut, the one thing that kept me from freaking out was playing music. Not listening to music, but to hold my guitar close and to feel myself make the rhythms and the notes sound, however that was, was incredibly soothing to my worries.
*Stress is a killer. I find that stress in my life was coming out of my own worry for others, that somehow I still wanted 'something' out of people that I have to accept that will not happen because I will never be able to change the perceptions of some of these people, and that, again, I felt that the most important person I can love right now in my life is myself. School is another stress, but somehow, it is a stress that I look forward to, that the most fulfilling moments I have felt so far this semester is when I can become engaged in discussion in class and actually have something insightful and useful to the learning experience because I have actually read the material and know what I am talking about.
I can not make this a big deal for anyone else but myself, and I am accepting of that fact. Even with messing up this whole street team Denver invasion deal yesterday, it is not necessarily that I do not care about the confusion, but that things just happen, and that it should not affect me so much.
It is sunny outside, and I am gonna go try to enjoy that as much as I can.
-c
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