The more and more I read about people who have anxiety problems related to their ease of swallowing and food consumption, the more fascinated I become about my own life. It can get really depressing reading entry after entry about people whose lives are becoming increasingly depressed because of their inabilities to consume food properly. For most of these people, the symptom comes in a moment of a life where, somehow, the symptoms just "start happening." As I read more and more, it just keeps coming back to 1) a symptom that doctors can not even diagnose and 2) a matter of a "complete analytical reflection of one's life" before any progress can happen. On one guy's entry (http://zanshin.net/2003/11/29/shotskis-ring/), it seems that "grasping ahold of his life" helped him return to some somewhat regular eating habits, and that gives me hope that what I am doing with my life right now is going right. I am trying my hardest with time management for all of my classes, I am getting fairly good grades, I am printing all the reading materials for my classes, I am practicing trombone on a very regular basis (and am growing more and more connected with my instruments), I am talking with my family more and more and staying connected, I am putting ambitious plans to go to SXSW and L.A. for Spring Break, I am staying comfortable talking with all my friends, I am getting more and more in shape at the gym and feeling healthy about myself, I am ok not feeling like I have to hold so many obligations to so many people (but that I am giving every person I see my utmost respect and interest when I see them), I am spending less time online, I am delving more and more into the music library at Radio 1190, I am planning out my semester with all the concerts I want to see within the music school, with Radio 1190, and with many other areas, I am finding a focus and a "merging method" of my Ethnic Studies and Music degrees in college, I am keeping this blog updated regularly, I am finding the importance of keeping MY own written history, I have stopped using alcohol, caffeine, dairy, marijuana, and unhealthy foods, I am finding that "self-improvement" is the best fucking drug ever, I am giving dollars to the homeless and erasing the "guilt" feeling that most people probably experience when they walk by these peoples every day, I am feeling more and more spiritually collected to understanding this planet I am bound to, I am feeling secure that I will, I WILL, meet my soulmate, somewhere on this planet and sometime in my life, but that I will NOT rush that moment, I am inspired to go out and do more random acts of kindness, I will not be afraid to call family relatives and break down and have moments of "release" when I need them, I will feel myself grounded and thankful for every time that I wake up and for every time that I am able to stand up after I wake up, I am proud that I ride my bike to school every day and everywhere around Boulder and Denver, I feel incredibly touched every time my family tells me that they love me, I am comforted by the times when friends tell me that I "have a lot going for me," I am comfortable feeling moved with the music that I play, I am okay with knowing that I will
never lead a life that is fake and that tries to be someone else's life, I am incredibly grateful for all the lessons learned from my parents and elderly relatives and I am understanding of the lessons that I was not taught (and maybe should have been taught) but will
never put that in front of what love they have already given me, and I am glad that there will never be another me and that I can be no more then
myself.
Woo! Today started off somewhat late. It was incredibly windy outside. By the news reports, there were gusts up to 86 mph in the Boulder area. I was seriously riding my bike sideways at one point going up the Folsom Hill. In my Race/Gender/Science class, we discussed some issues about the masculine construction of the male within science and how socioeconomic impact is so important in numerous definitions within society. It was kinda nice walking with Johanna after class again. She told me about her reports of the Irish Potato Famine and how one-sided the British history made of the situation, deeming that the Irish were "too stubborn" for that moment in history. The winds knocked the power out on the West side of the Hill today, and Roma did not have any power. I ended up getting an orange/mango "Honest Ade" and a vegan chocolate chip/pumpkin muffin, and I talked with some friends and read more of If You Want To Write. Devon was also rocking some Built To Spill, and I am inspired to go get all of their albums onto my iPod. The afternoon consisted of some trombone warm-up in the storage room and some planning in the music library for spring break! I did not realize SXSW festival is the first weekend heading into the actual week of spring break, and so I really want to go check it out! I have also never been to Austin and have a ton of friends living in the area, so it could be an absolute blast. I think it will be a cross-combined trip of that and visiting Neal over in L.A. Jazz trombone sectionals were in the afternoon, and it was followed with a good, emotionally-fueled rehearsal. Doug Walter was having his faculty concert in Grusin tonight as well, and he combined his dazzling display of jazz vibraphones and marimbas with an odd composition of jazz glockenspiel and chimes at one point. Awesome. Back at home, Andrew made a ton of delicious fried rice, and I have just been unwinding from another busy day.
Class at eight. I think I can handle it.
-c
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